That feeling when…

You think you know someone, then they surprise you. In a good way. When you’re so happy but you’re just too scared to be really really happy. When you like talking to someone, being with someone, and you know things are great but your mind is telling you that patience is important and a spur-of-the-moment decision can ruin a lifetime. When the only thing holding you back is yourself, and you think you’re doing the right thing but your heart can’t control your mind sometimes so you end up being in the wrong. When you are with the right person but the timing is just not right and all you can do is wait for yourself to be ready, and be calm, and be okay. Like okay okay. When everything is like a disaster, but it’s a beautiful disaster, and you just want to get stranded in that chaos. Maybe forever. When you think you’re just trying your best not to hurt anyone but the truth is, you don’t want to hurt yourself so you play it safe and now you’re caught in your own game and it’s not even a game anymore. When you argue with yourself thinking that being content is much more okay than being happy and right now you’re content and you think you’re okay with that but you know this will end sooner or later. When you’re fraught with concern, confusion and indecisiveness but even with all these overwhelming emotions, you know you’re in the right. Even somehow. No matter how slight. You have to believe that you’re right so you can be in the right track. That feeling of being overpowered by your own emotions but in the end, they all coalesced into something beautiful and it gives you a little bit of peace. Like having butterflies in your stomach but you know those butterflies have really very pretty wings so you’re okay with that.

Oh my God. This feeling.

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Day Nth

When I think of you, a plethora of images come bursting inside my head. They come in torrents, in hurricanes, that if I will not come into my senses it will swallow me whole. They are images I used to hate, but I have learned to nurse them, own them, those images you have playfully portrayed. And in time, I came to love them. I came to accept that beneath the exterior I have known from afar, lies vulnerability, innocence, and mistakes.

I cannot fathom how you manage to throw my words into thin air, how you burn your promises and comfort me with its ashes and still, I stay. I will always remember the night that you chose not to choose me and still, I chose to wait and sit, sit, sit. I sit in the cold, cemented bench while I try to make something out of your gestures, out of your words. Your absence told me to abandon everything, but your hands, those hands who have held me so gently when I’m frail, told me otherwise.

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