That feeling when…

You think you know someone, then they surprise you. In a good way. When you’re so happy but you’re just too scared to be really really happy. When you like talking to someone, being with someone, and you know things are great but your mind is telling you that patience is important and a spur-of-the-moment decision can ruin a lifetime. When the only thing holding you back is yourself, and you think you’re doing the right thing but your heart can’t control your mind sometimes so you end up being in the wrong. When you are with the right person but the timing is just not right and all you can do is wait for yourself to be ready, and be calm, and be okay. Like okay okay. When everything is like a disaster, but it’s a beautiful disaster, and you just want to get stranded in that chaos. Maybe forever. When you think you’re just trying your best not to hurt anyone but the truth is, you don’t want to hurt yourself so you play it safe and now you’re caught in your own game and it’s not even a game anymore. When you argue with yourself thinking that being content is much more okay than being happy and right now you’re content and you think you’re okay with that but you know this will end sooner or later. When you’re fraught with concern, confusion and indecisiveness but even with all these overwhelming emotions, you know you’re in the right. Even somehow. No matter how slight. You have to believe that you’re right so you can be in the right track. That feeling of being overpowered by your own emotions but in the end, they all coalesced into something beautiful and it gives you a little bit of peace. Like having butterflies in your stomach but you know those butterflies have really very pretty wings so you’re okay with that.

Oh my God. This feeling.



We were just sitting there in front of the small sari sari store. We borrowed three monoblock chairs, one for each of us, and shared one bottle of soda because we were all broke. We bought cigarettes, but only a couple, to kill time and hunger. We took drags idly; the smoke occasionally perturbing the chill of the night, but we didn’t mind. All we needed were stories. Our conversations were light but they weigh. As I was sitting there, below the street lamps, along with strangers, and above the cold pavement, I realized how much I was missing.

Life is good, but I’ve forgotten how it’s so beautiful. I didn’t take the time to appreciate moments like that. The pleasure of taking my time in my own pace has become foreign. It’s amazing how the world can speak to us in ways we don’t expect, like helping us feel the feelings we’ve already forgotten by experiencing something so commonplace. At times I get busy searching for meanings and explanations concerning my life. Little did I know that what I was looking for is inside me all along, just waiting to be discovered.